New Year, New Blog

Soooo…. I’ve been toying around with the idea of writing a blog for what seems like 87% of my life at this point. I tend to stumble at introductions, so like… obviously I’ve never gotten too far along with this, expressing my thoughts with the written word thing. So, guess what?! I’ve decided to skip introductions altogether and just jump right in! Because, what better way to get a feel for someone’s writing style than to read it?

First things first, happy 2016! I feel about New Years the way most people feel about Valentine’s Day… as in, I do not care. And if I find myself caring, it’s likely in a negative way. The Christmas lights come down, the real cold sets in, and it just seems like a meaningless celebration to prepare us all for a long, cold, holidayless winter. However, a bunch of my friends who maintain a social life are super into celebrating and I don’t even need to tell you that our Facebooks and Twitters are going to be plastered with everyone’s resolutions in the weeks to come.

Resolutions. Meh.

Mine are ALWAYS some variation of the exact same things, which is a great indicator of how great I am at keeping those resolutions! (Like, not good at all! Go me) They go something like this:

1. Drink more water.
2. For the love of all things holy, stop picking your face. No one sees your blackheads.
3. You should probably try to eat healthier, but if you can’t do that, then just work out.
4. Cuss like, a lot fucking less.

Being the super adult that I am (nope!) and a solid authority on life coaching (super nope!) I’m here to provide some tips on creating and resolving 2016’s resolutions! You ready?

First on your list? Heed your parent’s advice. For real, we’re all old enough now to sort the good from the bad and I am going to share with you something that my parents have instilled in me, and it’s IMPORTANT, and awesome.

“Don’t set yourself up for failure.” Seriously, if you get one thing right in 2016, let this be it, and some of your other issues will resolve themselves along the way.

Here are some comical (and painfully real) examples of what I’m talking about:

1. Quit smoking

Good for you, for real! If any of us live long enough without getting hit by a bus, cancer is likely to get us, so to make those odds worse voluntarily is just crazy to me! But stop, wait a minute, “Don’t set yourself up for failure.” What I mean is, don’t chain smoke until midnight tonight, and then just be done! Because in a week when you get stressed out over your first full work week in two weeks and smoke a cigarette, you’re going to feel like a total failure. Instead, why don’t you try maybe smoking one whole pack on your first day in the quitting process, and smoke one less a day until you’re not a smoker anymore? Or try vaping, or sunflower seeds. I have seen this work in real life, it’s not crazy! Rome wasn’t built overnight, or some shit. Take it slow, better yourself for good!

2. Give up junk food

Once again, snaps. You eat that bowl of doritos at the party tonight, and then for breakfast have one egg, not salted. That egg is sure to beat your hangover! Hold up, “Don’t set yourself up for failure.” Consider this: don’t eat the whole bowl of doritos. Get on Pinterest (because everyone and their brother, literally, has Pinterest) and research some healthy sweets, like this fruit pizza. They taste just like junk but don’t clog your arteries! And even then, allow yourself to have some junk occasionally. Fad diets are often a success… at first, and then your first french fry not only causes you to gain five pounds, but it sends you on a dark path to… Taco Bell, likely, and then you hate yourself. Moderation here, people.

3. Save every penny that doesn’t go to bills

DUDE! How cool! In seven years, you’ll be rich enough to buy an American made car full out. And, it’ll be just for you! Because you’ve been sitting in a lawn chair in a tiny apartment with no internet or cable or takeout food for the better part of a decade, and your friends deemed  you socially unacceptable. No dates wasting your gas money! Hate to be a broken record but, “Don’t set yourself up for failure.” The internet is at our fingertips, and there are SO MANY ways to save extra money, without even really noticing it! Try this 52 week challenge, which I completed this year, and bought all new bedroom furniture! Tip: Do the challenge in reverse, starting at $52.00, so you can look forward to saving less each week.

And finally, I had put some thought into things I think we could all stand to quit, sooner rather than later, and many of these things will help our wallets, reduce our love handles, and overall make for a better 2016!

2016 To-Quit:

1. Starbucks- Expensive, FULL of calories and weird preservatives. Expensive.
2. Tanning- Guys, melanoma kills people, no joke, and you are orange. Expensive.
3. Non-joking duckface- I don’t need to elaborate.
4. Using your credit card for non-necessities that you can’t otherwise afford!

I think that’s about all the keyboard blabbering I can do for a first entry. I hope I can force some of you guys to follow along, and I promise some fun, touching, interesting things coming up. Stick with me!

P.S. I bought a special edition shake weight pro and a thigh master at 11:30 last night. Making 2016 my biotch!

xoxo gossip girl (also, nope)