Hi. My name is Chuck Greene and I’m a (girl) cat. First things first, a little background. You may be wondering why my name is Chuck. Well, three years ago (probably to the day) my dad rescued me from a shelter, where I’d been named Seraphina. It’s an absolute miracle I made it out of there alive, and home to the right parents because somewhere between my adoption and my pick up, at just 10 weeks old, I got lost among the big cats. Fortunately though, I made it home, surprised my mom for Christmas, and was promptly named after the legendary, Charlie Brown… only with a more Christmassy last name. Seraphina, though beautiful, just doesn’t fit my laid back lifestyle. Fast forward three years, and I’m out here living my best life, one that I’m going to share with you, right now.
5:30 am, mom and dad have clearly been put under a spell. They only move occasionally, and dad hasn’t yelled at mom to shut up because she hasn’t been singing songs from Moana for like seven hours. Because they fall victim to this spell nightly, I have made an art form out of bringing them back. It starts with loudly chewing on mom’s hair and eyebrows, and alternates with walking back and forth over mom and dad’s faces. If that doesn’t do the trick, mouth breathing and slapping mom’s phone off of her nightstand really seals the deal.
6 am, for whatever reason, after the walking and the chewing on my part, and groaning and sometimes crying on my parents part, they always put food in my bowl. But, I’m not hungry.
6:15 am, dad is wrapping up his shower. I’ve been anxiously waiting at the shower door. It’s my turn now.
Unfortunately though, showers aren’t enough to make me a morning person, and despite my parents advances to snuggle me, I need about an hour and a half of solitude.
7:47 am, the usual hairdryer and garage door sounds are happening. My parents are about to leave me for nine or so hours, so because it makes them so happy, (and not ridden with guilt at all) I make it a point to remind them how cute I am. I can do this in a variety of ways, but the one that seems to get the most reaction is this:
8 am-6 pm, me time. I really wear myself out during the work days. There’s just so much to be done!
Breakfast for lunch.
Plotting revenge on catnip pickle.
6:13 pm, mom comes home. I greet her at the laundry room door, and since I’m an aspiring actress, I immediately act like my mom is my favorite person on earth. I give her kisses. I present her my belly. I even let her carry me up and down the stairs like an infant. Even though I’m three. Occasionally she sings to me, “Ooohhhh Chuckie don’t you ever grow up, you should just stay little,” and I suffer through it all with a fake smile on my face.
6:21 pm, I hover around the bottom pantry drawer. This is where my niblets are kept. Mom is weak when it comes to this behavior. I play like dog and do tricks far below my skill level to earn a tiny morsel of goodness.
6:34 pm, dad comes home. The Oscar goes to me, but now it’s time to drop the act because my real favorite person is home. It’s time for snuggles and follows and just generally soaking up as much time as possible with the person who rescued me.
7:39 pm, although I love snuggles, it has come to my attention that, despite being covered in fur, I am cold. I have several remedies for this. This one, my parents call adorable:
This one, my mom has said multiple times, is ‘alarming’:
I say, whatever it takes.
Between this time and 9:43 pm, I switch back and forth between dad and heat sources. Now, it’s bedtime. I’ll give dad a subtle hint:
He takes the bait, sucker!
The next thing I know, I totally have my way, and the spell falls over my parents once again. Until next 5:30 am, peasants, I say to myself!
xoxo The Boss Chuck
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